The Long Dark Knight of the Sith
by F. Maxwell
Summary: Parody- Exar Kun gets a couple of new apprentices, Darth Binks, Barney, and Pikachu.


** Description:** Parody: The taudry, twisted tale of the exalted Exar Kun and his army of eeeevil apprentices, Darth Binks, Darth Pikachu and Darth Barney. PG

** Authors:** This is a round-robin parody sprung from the evil, twisted minds of the www.forumworld.com/fanfix posters. Specifically Wombat, Kathy, F. Maxwell, & Gillean. [The author of a section will be indicated in brackets]. First posted on www.Fanfix.com. 

** WARNING:** Written in extremely bad writer mode. Enjoy.

** Disclaimer:** We do not own the rights to Exar Kun or Jar Jar Binks (thank gawd), nor anything in the GFFA. Nor do we own Captain Kirk, his awful hairpeice, The Spice Girls, Reader's Digest or Leonardo DiCarpio. We are also grateful that we don't own Barney or Pikachu.. if we did we'd probably commit suicide right now. Anyhow this is a parody & we aren't making any money off this blah blah blah. Don't bother trying to sue us, we've got no money & we mostly write under aliases... *lol* George Lucas versus Wombat, I'd pay to see that trial on T.V... hee hee hee.

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** The Long Dark Knight of the Sith**

** _ [Wombat]_**

Exar Kun cackled in evil glee. "Evil glee!" he cackled. He was a long dark figure of gleeful evil, with a long dark cloak and a long dark ponytail. Briefly, he wondered to himself whether he should have lopped his ornament from one of the pink or pale blue Mylitel ponies instead, but no, it would have thrown off his whole wardrobe. He returned his attention to his new Sith apprentices while sipping his long dark espresso, with whipped cream and just a pinch of nutmeg on top. 

Suddenly, he spat it out, enraged. "You dolts!" he raged at them. "I told you that I wanted a long dark espresso, with whipped cream and just a pinch of nutmeg on top! And instead you bring me this 'hot cocoa' poodoo? What sort of wussy girly-man do you think your Sith master is?!" 

His apprentices cowered from Exar Kun, who was now in a long dark rage. "Weesa bein' sorry," Darth Jar-Jar mumbled. His bug-eyes bugged out like the eyes of little bugs. Behind him, a vast purple Hutt-like shadow rose and sang a little song of contrition until the third and most senior apprentice zapped him with a bolt of Sith lightning. The blue electric light cast its wielder's Sith tattoos into sharp relief: the black-tipped ears, the deceptively cheerful round red spots on the cheeks, the stripes on the little zigzag tail. 

"Well done," Exar Kun chortled, abruptly restored to evil glee. He absent-mindedly poured the entire cup of cocoa over the senior apprentice, who was still zapping Darth Barney. Abruptly self-grounded, the sodden ball of tattooed yellow fur rolled in agony around the long dark cave, sending out stray sparks, clouds of smoke, and a distressing smell of burnt cocoa, accompanied by the long dark drawn-out agonized wails of agony, "Pikaaa! Piiiiika!" 

"I have a quest for you, my apprentices," Exar Kun said. ("Pikaaaaa! *zzzt*") "You must search out for me the most frightening, fearsome, and other-things-that-start-with-F females in the galaxy." ("Pikachuuuu!" *zzzt*") 

"Whosa dat?" asked Darth Jar-Jar, and accidentally got his tongue stuck to Darth Pikachu on the rebound. ("*zzt* Muy owie!" "Piiiiiika!") 

"You are all incompetent fools." Exar Kun stared at all of them with a long dark stare. "If I have to watch incompetence, it might as well be fun eye-candy incompetence. These women will be my new apprentices. Go to Kessel and bring me the Spice Girls." 

* * * * *

** _ [Kathy]_**

A few hours later... 

Soon the three apprentices were on their way to Kessel, the coordinates having been programmed into the navicomputer by Darth Pikachu. 

"Yousa no trust Darth Jar-Jar." moaned the long-eared freak, his bug-eyes drooping with sadness. 

"Pika-PIKA!" agreed the little yellow squirt. 

"Yousa guysa sit down, wesa gonna hyperspace jumpa." said Darth Jar-Jar as he pulled back on the controls. 

"Uh, excuse me, Darth Jar-Jar, but I think you mean jump to lightspeed." the portly purple phony politely pronounced. 

"Yousa shut up." said Darth Jar-Jar as the ship's engines strained with the weight of all this stupidity. Finally, the jump was successful. 

"This is Super-De-Dooper!" exclaimed the massive moron as he jumped into the air and clicked his huge fat heels together. Unfortunately, he landed on Darth Pikachu's jagged tail. 

"Pikkka Piiiiiikkka..." growled the squatty rodent, electricity zapping out from his red cheek spots. 

"I'm so sorry, Darth Pikachu. Please forgive..." the paunchy polite pervert started to say. 

* ZZZZzzzzT!* Sparks flew everywhere. 

"Heysa! Yousa twosa careful beesa! Darth Jar-Jar no like besa charbroileda!" 

"Pika pika Pik-A-CHU!" said the rolly-polly rat with his most sincere voice. 

"AHHHHHHH!" said Darth Barney as he fell backwards and his colassal corpulent body shattered the main control switch. 

* RRR...RRR...RRR... * The engines slowly died. 

"Nowsa yousa dunnit!" shouted the bug-eyed pilot! "Wesa no go!" 

"No problem, my friend, I just broke the main control switch. I can fix it, though, because I brought..." 

"Pikkkaaachuu!" cried Darth Pikachu. 

"Nosa! Notza Darth Barney Bagza!" shouted Darth Jar Jar. 

The two other passengers stuffed their ears with what ever they could find as Darth Barney began to sing. 

"Oh, I'm lookin' in my Darth Barney Bag,   
As if you jerk-heads care!   
I've got sensors, engines, lasers and stuff   
Even Old Exar's old underwear! (ech!)   
So lets ask ourselves a question,   
'What else can we wreck today?'   
With imagination and the Darth Barney Bag,   
We'll soon be on our way -a,   
soon we'll be on our..." 

"PIII-KAAA-CHUUUUU!" *zzzzzzzzzzzzt!* 

"Thanksa yousa, Darth Pikachusa." said Darth Jar-Jar. "We no needa morea dem stupida songsa." 

Soon Darth Barney had managed to use Exar Kun's old underwear to hold the switch together and the three apprentices set off towards Kessel. 

"I love you... You love..." 

*ZZZZT!* PIKA! 

* * * * *

** _ [F. Maxwell]_**

After Darth Binks crashed their ship on Kessel, nearly killing all three aprentices, the trio sought out sought out the owner of the Spice Mines, defunct actor, Leo DiCrapio. 

"I wanna be ANAKIN!" DiCraprio whined as the three apprentices approached stealthy through the dark tunnels that lay beneath the planet's surface. 

"Weesa lookings for da Spicey Girlsa." Darth Binks announced before tripping over his own feet andcrashing to the ground. 

"Which ones?" Dicrapio asked. 

"Whaddya mean which ones?" The rotund Darth Barney said between evil sadistic chuckles. 

"Well the original Spice girls broke up. Posh Spice and Scary Spice are now starring on a children's vid show on Coruscant with their children, Gap and Spooky Spice." DiCrapio warily eyed the strange iddy bitty, yellow Darth Pikachu. "That Sporty chick will follow Ginger Spice & start a solo carreer." 

This last comment elicited laughter from the three apprentices. DiCrapio waited for their laughter to subside before continuing. "And Baby Spice is still whining about not getting that part in the Charlie's Angel movie." 

"Whatsa weesa gonna doosa?" Darth Binks moaned. "Dartha Kunsa gonna crunch us!" 

"Well," DiCrapio offered "Reader's digest just bought the rights to the Spice Girls name. They're gonna gear the group towards a more mature audience. The new spice girls are gonna be Martha Stewart as Homey Spice, Dr. Laura as Relationship Advice Spice, Bonnie Stern as Baking Spice, Marie Osmond as Wholesome Spice and Kathy Lee Gifford as Evil Spice." 

"Dissa gouda things? Kunsa gonna lika dats!" Darth Binks jumped around excitedly, creating a large dust cloud. 

Darth Barney backed away slowly as the dust cloud eveloped Darth Pikachu, who was notorious for being allergic to a specific kind of dust that only exists on one out of fifty trillion planets. 

"PIiiiii......" The evil yellow creature began. " PIiiikaaa..... pikaA..AAAA...CHOOOOOOOOOO!" 

The subsequent lighting blast blew the kessel mines sky high, everyone died. Except for DiCapio and the apprentices who miraculously escaped through a conveniently locted plot hole. 

"Look." DiCapio said as he dusted himself off. "If you promise to get the hell away from here I'll get the Reader's Digest Spice Girls for ya." 

"Justa onsa eeensy weensy pobbem.." Darth Binks sighed. "Noo gotsa ship no mores." 

The giant purple Darth Barney whispered mysteriously "I think I know where we can get one." 

"Pika?" Darth Pikachoo asked suspiciously. 

"Diss notta Imaginaary dingy agians???" Darth Binks asked suspiciously. 

"Follow me..." The three apprentices followed Barney down a yellow brick road in search of a new ship. 

"Hey guys, You think you could get me into the next POKEMON movie??" Dicrapio called after them. 

* * * * *

** _ [Wombat]_**

~Meanwhile, back at the ranch and bereft of both espresso and cocoa, Exar Kun sat in his long dark beanbag chair and ate whipped cream from the can. "Fhhhhhsst," the can fhhhsted into his mouth. 

Impatiently, he waited for his apprentices to return with Nutmeg Spice. Until they did, he would eat whipped cream, alone in the long dark night, and contemplate the purity of his evil. 

For Exar Kun was evil, all right. Wowsers, but you never saw anyone that evil. Assuming you could see him, what with him wearing all black like evil people do and sitting in the dark. Only the regular *ffhhhhst* sounds might have warned an unwary traveler or prodigal son that an evil Sithlord was here in the darkness of blackest darkest night. In an underground cave. (It was a bat ranch in a cave.) No nightlights even. As dark as his soul, or rather the soulless dark void of nothingness within him. 

In fact, his soullessness was so empty as to approach the vacuum of space. That was what sucked the whipped cream into his mouth, his pure evil soulless vacuity, because the can wasn't pressurized. Perhaps he should have sent his apprentices on a side trip to Bespin to pick up some Tibanna gas for the whipped cream can. 

"Oooo, am I ever evil," Exar Kun thought with evil glee. "I am so good at being evil that I should turn in my evil license to myself, because an evil person shouldn't be this *good* at anything. And I love it, which is also bad on strict evil points, but it's all for the sake of evil so I can't go wrong there, right? Wait, I want to be doing wrong. Damn this linguistic goodist chauvinism." 

With his fingers, he scooped up a stray white gob from the dark purity of his purely long dark cloak. He popped it into his mouth. And as before, so long ago, he spat it out. 

Blue lightning crackled into the air, into a sudden flurry of long dark wings like a storm of darkness and evil. "Dang bats!" he yelled. "I thought I trained you to go potty outside! Bad bats! Bad!" 

* * * * *

** _ [Gillean]_**

~Meanwhile, at the Kathie Lee clothing display in a K-Mart on Corellia, the Readers' Digest Eeeevil Spice Girls were plotting. 

"It's just not eeevil enough," said Kathie Lee. "Little kiddies and Ewoks working in sweatshops making these positivly eeevil outfits- Great. But I want to rule the Galaxy, not a K-Mart." 

"Shut up," said Martha Stewart, who was working on something involving gold-coated wire and pine cones. 

"What IS that?" Dr. Laura asked. "It looks like-" 

"Here she goes again," Kathie Lee muttered, ajusting her perfectly eeevil Ewok fur coat. 

"I am building a lightsaber," Martha announced. "I made it myself, and you can too, from these common everyday-" 

Kathie Lee stomped on her foot with a spike heel. 

All of a sudden, all five of the Reader's Digest Spice Girls dissolved into thin air.

~Meanwhile, back at the ranch... 

"What is taking those fools so long?!" Exar Kun screamed to the bats. "I want the Spice Girls! Now now now now now now now!" He got quiet then, laxurating in his most evil evilness. "It's a great day to be an evil Sith Lord!" 

He stood from his La-Z-Boy recliner and walked with long, dark, evil strides to the full-length mirror in one corner of the bat cave. There he stood, transfixed by his spifferifically eeeevil reflection. 

"Sometimes I just kill myself." Laughing at his own eeeevil bad joke, he headed back to the chair. 

* * * * *

** _ [F. Maxwell]_**

"Gentlemen... we have... arrived at your... destination." 

Darth Binks smiled at Captain Kwirk "Messa wanna thanksya for da mucho big lift!" 

"The Enterprise is.... always ready to help out... those in need." 

Darth Pikatchu eyed the strange captain. Leaning over the Darth Barney he whispered "Pi.. ka.. chuuu?" 

Darth Barney shook his rotund head. "No, I have no idea why he talks like that. A wee bit melodramatic." 

"Pi ka?" 

"I know, you'd think the Captain of the Enterprise could find a better wig." 

The three apprentices made their way onto the tranporter platform. Darth Binks profusely shook Captain Kwirk's hand profusely, "Meesa thanksya, meesa thanksya." he repeated over and over again. 

"I'll... have scotty beam down... the rest of your captives as soon as... I'm finished with... Wholesome spice." Kwirk gave Darth Binks the old 'wink wink, nudge nudge' routine. 

"Wheresa didsa Enterprisa comes froms?" Darth Binks inquired as he prepared to be beamed to the surface. 

"We Came through... a plothole... in subspace. To seek new plotlines and... non-humanoid... civilizations..." 

"Pikachu?" 

"Well" Darth Barney replied, "Zapping Kwirk might help him speed up his speech. Then again, maybe we could all sing a happy song.." 

"PIKACHOOOOOOO!" *ZZzzzzap!* 

"OUCH!" Darth Barney rubbed his giant purple butt. "That's NOT very friendly of you Darth Pikachu." 

~ Meanwhile on the planet's surface, Exan Kun awaited his apprentices return. 

"Aha!! I sense my Apprentices return!" Cackled the devilishly evil, dark humoured, dark lord of the Sith as he sipped his dark black expresso coffee. 

As if on cue Darth Barney, Darth Pikachu and a giant pile of pink goo materialized before him. 

"Aha! You have returned my devilishly evil, dark apprentices!" Exar Kun looked at the pile of goo. "But where's Darth Binks?" 

"OH NO!" Darth Barney cried out! "They killed Darth Binks!" 

"Those bastards!" howled Exar Kun. "My carpet's ruined!" 

"No problem," said Martha Stewart, homey spice as she stepped through the plothole that suddenly appeared unexpectedly outta nowhere. "Any undersireable stains can easily be removed with a little salt, vinegar and Uranium." 

"What the Sith?" Kun howled. "I said I wanted the Spice girls! What have you brought me?" 

"We love you, we love the spice girls, but all we could find was these old chicks!" Barney sang. *ZZZZzzzap!* "Ouch!" the tubby purple dinasaur howled as Exar Kun & Darth Pikachu zapped him simultaneously.. 

"Pika pika pika pika pika ka chu!" the yellow apprentice recounted. 

"What do you mean? You brought someone else just in case?" 

The lights suddenly dimmed and music screamed in their ears. "In the name of all that is Evil tell me you didn't..." Kun wailed as he desperately tried to escape, to no avail. 

"Sith by sith, ooo Jedi, gonna kill you real soooooon!" The N'Sith boy band sang. 

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Howled the almighty, better than everyone else, Dark Lord of the Sith. "AAANYTHING BUT THAT!" 

"Hey wait a second..." Relationship Advice Spice, Dr. Laura, asked Baking Spice. "Wasn't that a New Sith on the Block song?" 

"I dunno," Baking Spice, Bonnie Stern replied. "They all sound the same to me." 

** _ [Wombat]_**

Driven beyond, not just human, but super-Sithly endurance by the infernal lip-syncing and prepotted dance routines of N'Sith, Exar Kun went mad. Lightning sprayed everywhere like a freshly opened soda bottle that had survived the hip pocket of a rodeo clown who had been catapulted off a really big, really mad Yerfulla Bull. 

Zapped bats fell from the ceiling like a hailstorm of black furry meatballs with little flappy wings. Now N'Panic, the boy band scurried around madly to avoid both bats and lightning. 

"You pathetic excuses for Sithy boys! You've got to stop hiding behind old excuses and stalagmites and take responsibility for yourself!" Dr. Laura yelled at them before a stalactite fell through her head. Splat. 

"Barbecued free-range bats, fresh from the bat ranch, are so nice with some ranch dressing to dip them in after you've gilded their wings and neatly arranged their fur into French braids," said Martha, before another stalactite fell through her head. Splat. 

"Sith lightning is much better than a broiler for making a crunchy caramel layer on top of a creme brulee," said Bonnie. Splat. 

Well, you get the idea. 

When it was all over, Darth Pikachu peeked out at his hyperventilating Sithlord master from behind the fallen hulk of Darth Barney. Everyone else had been zapped, or splatted, or smothered by bats, or slipped in the pink goo formerly known as Darth Jar-Jar and broken their necks, or some combination of the above. 

"You realize that this proves that I am the most powerful and eeeeeevil animal, mineral, or vegetable in the galaxy," Exar Kun chortled. "Now I want you to get into this DeLorean, travel into the future, and fetch me that Palpatine twit so I can kick his cloned butt so far away that even Mulder and Scully couldn't find it." 

Darth Pikachu gave him a long, dark look. "Pik' chu!" Darth Pikachu vehemently cheeped, and leaped back into the plothole to torment Captain Kwirk, who would be rudely interrupted from a pleasant interlude with Tribbles. (They wanted to mate with his hairpiece.) 

Exar Kun sighed, and glumly kicked the zap-charred, bat-strewn, stalactite-impaled, pink-gooeyfied remains of his favorite carpet. "What's the point of being an eeeeevil Sithlord if you don't have peons to kick around?" he asked himself. "Now I need new peons. Maybe if I go back to the planet where I recruited Darth Barney, I can collect a new team of apprentices. And then the Holosithies and I shall reveal ourselves, and at last I shall have my revenge! And a new carpet! And some really nice espresso! Once I get the recipe down right, we can open a chain of Sithbucks! And..." 

_ ~Fade out into the closing credits as the tie-in pop music plays.~_

"Exar Kun the Sithlord lived in a cave;   
His three hapless apprentices just would not behave.   
Exar Kun the Sithlord wanted espresso,   
And when they couldn't get it, well, he told them where to go." 

_ ~trollops start dancing~ _

"...Sith me baby one more time..." 

_ ~different trollops start dancing~_

"Whoop, he's a Sith! Whoop, he's a Sith!" 

"Exar said zap you out! Exar said zap you out!" 

_ ~the two sets of trollops start fighting, tumbling into the jello-like mass of Darth Jar-Jar's remains and hitting each other with bats~ _

** ------------------------THE END---------------------------**


End file.
